I have no regrets

I was born in Innsbruck. My father was a historian, a professor at the university and he was blind (note: he lost his sight in WWI). That was decisive with regards to our family life.

My father had always – he influenced my greatly in that respect - been interested in history and was particularly interested in the historical background of these events. That made political discussions a matter of fact, from when we were children onwards.

And so I naturally went in the direction he was coming from. He came from the "großdeutsches Milieu" (greater German milieu) and it was a matter of fact for him to represent these views. He had served in WWI and was suddenly experiencing the "New Austria. Naturally this wasn't the country he had grown up in. This was a country that had been made by the enemy. That's what people were against and all of Austria was against it.

My father was absolutely in favour of the annexation. He said, "Fine, we are not allowed to become part of Germany by" - the Allies, as they are called today – "the Entente, but it has to be." And then he said, "Hitler, him and his party, they might have the necessary impact and drive to make it. That's why I'll vote for them.". But he never wanted anything to do with an authoritarian system. I didn't know anything else since we had an authoritarian system here when I grew up. And so despite his rejection of both National Socialism and of Hitler personally, he became a member of the NSDAP in order to support the pro-annexation movement.

I started going to the Hitler Youth, when I was twelve. I had access through friends... It was strictly forbidden before 1938! You ran the risk of getting expelled from school, probably from every school in Austria if you were caught. I knew that then. And twice I only just managed to get away when there were raids. By pure coincidence once, because I wasn't there. The other time, the others who got caught and squealed didn't know my real name. I had always used a cover name - that helped me in other situations as well.

It was... foolish on Hitler's part that he gave the order to march in. People who knew the situation said he shouldn't do it, the situation was ripe, we were ready to be taken over. There was no need for the military to march in. But it was clearly a demonstration of might he needed. That turned out to be a bit of good luck for Austria, because we were "occupied", so to speak, but it wouldn't have been necessary...

Yes, and in 1937, I was 14, I was named Den Leader (at the HJ). That was a surprise for me, but it was good. Many were arrested again then. In any case, I became pack Leader (laughs) and had 17 year-olds under me. I was practically a child, but it worked very well. I was Pack Leader during the "Umbruch" (period of change). Those were the most ecstatic days for me...

Heldenplatz Square was the Heldenplatz Square. You couldn't see how many people were sitting unhappily behind the curtains, but I never saw as many people on the streets again as then... Another funny anecdote in connection to the troops marching in: My brother and I were standing there yelling and cheering enthusiastically when a Bavarian Landser (infantryman) marched past and said, "Shut up, you'll see what comes out of this." (laughs) But as I said, I was thrilled and there was no question: I was going to volunteer to go to war, but to defend my own country, that's what it was about. The great conquest of more Lebensraum (living space) and all that was not an issue for me. And I figure most of those who were with me felt that way...

The Party is not Germany

I had been named Den Leader at the Hitler Youth before 1938 and after the change I saw I could climb the career ladder quickly. And then actually the machinery stopped pleasing me, because now everybody had to join up. Before, we had dared to go and that was something entirely different. Now it was a form of State Youth, which people participated in more or less unwillingly. That wasn't at all interesting to me either. So I made sure that I never rose above the rank of Scharführer. I could have done so easily, but as I said, that didn't...interest me. And then war was just around the corner.

The first time was when Adolf Hitler came to Innsbruck a few days after the annexation. I only saw him from the train station, a very small brown blur on the balcony of the Hotel Tyrol and I almost flipped, I was so thrilled and I screamed so loudly. Then we (HJ) leaders created a cordon in front when he held his first speech at the Exhibition Hall in Innsbruck. This was a major event for me. I was close to my idol.

Despite the fact that there were annoyances later, one had the feeling that he was the big man, that he could do it, that he's the miracle man. And that's way it was until 1938, until the onset of the war. People came streaming to him wherever he showed himself and chanted "Heil!" and God knows what else. I mean he appeared to be a miracle worker, he had delivered Germany from its horrible position. It only became known with the passing of time that it wasn't him alone, that a lot had been done in advance. But he took advantage of the wave in any case and suddenly Germany was somebody again. Suddenly there was work. At the expense of whom was another question. All of the sudden there were apartments, things moved ahead. So you had the feeling: This is a great beginning, or not?

Then Hitler went to meet Mussolini again. The meeting took place at the Innsbruck train station again and as an HJ Leader, I was also in the cordon again. You could tell just by approaching yells: Here he comes, here he comes, here he comes. And I saw him come, studied him with great attention and then he drove past me. Then I noticed I hadn't even yelled. I asked myself why, but I didn't know. All I knew was that that was the case. I really can only describe what happened. Were those the first signs of doubt in me? It was hardest to part with him when I started parting with everything. I saw that those who lead Germany were Germany's enemies, to put it in a nut shell and it was a very, very difficult step for me to take...

My Gefolgschaftsführer (Unit leader) was one of my best friends and I was over at his house once along with a schoolmate of mine that I knew well. He was very catholic, "a Schwarzer" (a "black"), as they said, but I liked him very much. He became a priest later. He was already suspected of being an enemy and my friend and unit leader was interrogating him. And I watched as he sat there looking slightly tortured and tried to evade the questions somehow. I suddenly put myself in his place and said to myself: "My God, this is the opposite front. He believes in what he thinks and isn't allowed to say it." That was one of the things in which I could suddenly see that the Hitler Youth I had joined in before 1938 and the one I was in now were two completely different things.

I always hear my father after the Reichskristallnacht, when he said: "I have to ashamed of being German as of today."

That's how it was. I also thought it was terrible, but it didn't affect me as much as my father. Most of all, we knew that the feelings abroad had changed. From one day to the next, Germany was viewed in a completely different manner in France and England, and you could almost say that was Hitler's last pyhrric victory. And then, when it was Czechoslovakia's turn it was clear to my father that war was coming.

I was still in school when the war broke out. I was between 15 and 16 and wanted to volunteer to go to the front immediately... not to conquer, but defend myself against injustice... That thought always guided my political activities. It was about defending my country...

It was impressive. There was no verve, but it was a form of beginning.

Then the first of my friends began getting sent to the front and things got serious, But I wanted to go there myself.

In 1940, when I was 17, it seemed there was chance that I could join the Waffen- SS. All the Innsbruck HJ units were called together to be drafted by the Waffen SS. ... People were eliminated, they simply selected us based on certain criteria and I noticed: I don't want to be a part of this, although I was fervently pro-Hitler as opposed to my father. ... I didn't want to go to the SS and I could see it coming: "I am not going to join and I am going to have to explain myself!" And then finally, I was eliminated in the last round. ...

All of my friends who signed up then fell in combat.

I joined up a year later, after completing my Matura (Austrian Secondary School Diploma) and joined an... armoured division, that is to say an anti-tank unit belonging to the mountain rangers. Then I was sent to the Russian front. ... The 3rd Mountain Division was, it could be said, an "elite unit", a form of troubleshooting unit at the difficult points.

I experienced the outbreak of the Russian campaign in eastern Prussia. And I happened to be on guard duty when things started. It was unbelievable. Troops were moved around for days and you didn't know what was going on. There was the pact with Russia so the question was: "Oh, I we going against Sweden?" I was the night guard and suddenly the front was in flames, from one end of the horizon to the other. The planes zoomed past us and then we naturally knew what was going on.

One of my most terrible experiences, my God, where you simply get to know people was: ... We were surrounded in the Ukraine around Christmas, in 1942. This had been done deliberately just to tie down the Russians who had broken through on a broad front at the Don River. We sat there bottled up for a month and then, miraculously, we broke out. I still don't know how we got out of there. And I can remember, we were almost out when suddenly the alarm came: "Russian tanks coming from the rear!" Tanks weren't frightening to me since we had been trained to grapple with them. We knew how helpless they were to a certain degree, if you approached them in cold blood. But the Landsers were afraid of them, especially when the tanks came out on the plane and there was no way to escape. So panic broke out and that was the first time I saw a panic in its worst dimensions. Everyone tried to climb on to a vehicle and those who fell off were simply run over. That's when I saw how things can be in war.

And so I experienced the war on across the entire Russian front. First I was at the siege of Leningrad, then... in the middle sector. Nothing special happened. We were supposed to be sent to the Caucasus, but were then pushed into the gap where the Russians broke through. That was the beginning of Stalingrad... They broke through on the Don front and they stuffed us in there to patch up the front again.

I was the gunnery officer in my unit since I was a reserve officer candidate. Then I was assigned to the infantry units as a tank gunnery officer. I was very independent with my weapon. Those were the best times I experienced in the military: Acting independently, away from the mob. And there was a segment of the front we had to defend at that time. There had been a brief fire fight and things were quiet again. I went over to the marquee the head of our company was standing at and I was hit by machine gun fire on my way there. I didn't hit the ground quickly enough (laughs). So I lay there in the snow and couldn't move anymore.

First I was sent to the field hospital. This is the first thing I remember of the first field hospital I landed in: We had two Ukrainian nurses who helped us. They were charming girls and cried at the sight of a young man like me lying there moaning. And that really touched me..

1943! In February 1943. So it was right around the time of Stalingrad. And were given the Christmas packages of the people who didn't make it. Well, Stalingrad was definitely a shock. I started waking up about the war after that....

The Russian helpers were always called "Pan", which is Polish for "Mister", it was foolish actually but: "Pan! The cup!" and, "Pan, the bottle!" and so on. And they came with incredible patience. I had already heard from my father's WWI experiences that no one was as gentle with patients as Russian medics. ... Well, I was a in a very bad way in the beginning and then we were transported a bit further in freight cars. Once the bridge had been destroyed we had to be loaded into trucks before we could continue behind the bridge again. They forgot me in the truck and I couldn't move. I suddenly noticed that it was getting quieter and quieter and that I was alone (laughs) and then I started calling out. Well, they finally heard me and came for me. So we continued in the cattle car and then in the hospital car.

And then flees started crawling into my bandages, awful (laughs)! I couldn't sleep all night. I finally fell asleep at four and then they came and stuffed a thermometer in your armpit again between five and five thirty. And that was that as far as sleeping was concerned. But my God, you can handle a lot when you're young and that was just part of it.

They tried to find space for us in all the Polish cities but the hospitals were full everywhere. Luckily they continued right on through Silesia. And then I my sister had me sent to Innsbruck from there the minute I could be transported seated, as they said. I was in a another military hospital there and that's when I started studying.

My severe wounds brought me home. I noticed that my sister and father were already beginning to speak in rather "heretical" terms and I had the feeling the "Dolchstoß" wasn't a myth. ... When I noticed that my father was also listening to BBC I said, "For heaven's sake, what are you doing? You're stabbing the Führer in the back!"... . He just laughed at that, "I want to know where my boys are!" The BBC gave comprehensive troop position data whereas the Wehrmacht reports contained no such information. I had always wondered how my father knew where I was at given moments (laughs)...

I had a very well-known cousin... Hanna Reitsch, the female pilot who became famous as a glider and test pilot. She was also a glowing German patriot. Her mother was from Tyrol and her father was Prussian. The Reitsch children always said, "We're Tyrolean Prussians!" (laughs) I was very close friends with Hanna. She visited me at the military hospital in Silesia. That's when Stalingrad was on... the first major shock. It was the logical result for my father, he had never given Germany a chance in a war. But now I saw for myself: "Oops, this might end up differently." So I spoke to Hanna Reitsch and she said, "Yes, the next Stalingrad is coming in Tunisia and North Africa." The Americans have landed and we won't be able to stop it. They've also started destroying our cities with their aeroplanes. We have nothing to throw against them. The Luftwaffe has practically reached the point where they have nothing we can use against them." And so I also asked her about miracle weapons and all that.

When she went to receive her Iron Cross, first class from Hitler he raved about the new miracle weapons, but she knew very well what developmental stage they were in and said, "But my Führer, you are talking about the grandchildren of an embryo!" After that she was told that was the last time she had been summoned to see the Führer. He didn't take it well and she told me so.

Hanna Reitsch wasn't an enemy of the system by any means. To my mind, she was absolutely competent and unbelievably objective, as emotional as she may have been as a woman. So I knew then: "There's no way out!" And then: "Well, then why doesn't Hitler put an end to it? Thousands are falling every day!" And that was the point at which I began to turn away from the Führer.

Yes. And a glider pilot friend of Hanna's who had emigrated to Sweden, I even know the same still, sent her a message telling her that there were also death camps in which Jews are murdered systematically. She went to Himmler immediately and asked, "Reichsführer, how can this be? This is what I heard and it is known." And he just said, "But Hanna, how can you believe something like that?" And she believed him, "Oh well, it must be another case of slander then." But she really wanted to know...

The Party didn't mean much to me any more. But Hitler was still my idol. I saw then that the questions concentrated around Hitler: Who should continue the war? Should he continue the war? It is wrong to have someone at the top who doesn't know that the war is lost. Or he knows, then he's a criminal.

Breaking with my idol sent me into an enormous crisis... This idealistic collapse only came in 1945 for millions. Nobody talks about it today. The collapse meant a complete re-orientation in a world that was suddenly completely different.

I had the feeling: if that's the case, I have to do something. I can't just watch it happen... I had fought against the Austrian regime and for the annexation before 1938 and now I had to do something here as well.

First the Hitler chapter. He was due in my opinion. I was done with Hitler so that seemed to be the logical ending I saw coming. I have to say that I started thinking about it the minute I decided to join the resistance. I wondered whether I might have a chance of getting to Hitler in order to kill him through my good Nazi contacts. I thought about it earnestly, but I knew I wouldn't survive the attempt. However, I would have done it if I saw the chance of getting to him. And I considered this plan time and again, but I saw that my contacts weren't good enough to get me close to Hitler. I needed at least a minimal chance. And then I dropped the idea.

That was a huge problem for me, even after having broken with Hitler since I had sworn on the flag of my own free will. I spoke my oath with conviction then. And the oath to the flag had extended to Hitler ad personam, or not? That's the way it was, one swore the oath to the country and the Führer . I had done so with conviction: "an oath is an oath". Well, I mean naturally it helped that I told myself: "I only saw him, the Führer as the leader of Germany, today I see Germany's destroyer in him."

And then came the thing with Fritz Molden. Fritz Molden had fought Hitler from the very beginning. He came from an entirely different place and he had volunteered to join the Wehrmacht to go abroad, just like Otto. They were completely sealed off from the political scene at home that way. Fritz succeeded in faking a suicide and then escaped to Switzerland under very adventurous circumstances. He set up the O5 Resistance Movement from there. He crossed back into Austria many times under a fake name and in German uniform many times. He needed a base in Innsbruck and he knew that we were actually on the other side. But he had the feeling we definitely wouldn't report him. He sounded out my parents first, which I didn't know anything about initially. ... He brought along two French officers. I think one of them was De Gaulle's aide de camp and they had to get changed somewhere. Then Fritz asked if my father would make his office at the university available, which my father did then. That's how Fritz knew he wasn't in any danger with us. Naturally we fell into conversation then and he came by more often. We were childhood friends... we came from completely opposite camps, but we got along very well on the decisive questions. I noticed that he worked for the resistance and I saw the necessity coming closer for us to do so as well.

Actually, I didn't share Fritz's goals at first. After all, he was fighting for Austria's independence, which was uninteresting to me. I wanted Germany, I had been to the front for Germany. It was about Germany for me. So actually Stauffenberg would have been right for me. But I had no contact to his circle.

I saw the day come when Fritz would ask me whether I would join. And when the moment came I said, "Well, Fritz, you know my ideas and views, do you think I fit? I'll tell you right away, I won't follow orders blindly. I will first decide whether I can reconcile it with my conscience If I am told to do something. If I can, I'll do it. I certainly will not shoot any Germans, unless I have to in self-defence. And I will not try to destroy human life in order to preserve human life." We understood each other fully on that basis. I only wanted to be a little cog in the whole club. I knew from the HJ (laughs) that it was good if my name wasn't known to everybody. I was one of the few people who consistently used a cover name. Then, when a lot of contacts broke off because other had been arrested, I became an increasingly important communications hub since I knew many of the connections. This put me in a leadership role in the matter, which I didn't want to assume. First I was just the "post box" for the Moldens in Innsbruck and then I became the "O5 Chief" in Innsbruck. We then merged with the Gruber organisation, which was very efficient and was more developed than ours and things continued, step by step.

I once had contact with a French secret agent via the O5 Resistance Movement and he came to our house once. It started awkwardly since he didn't know the password and I refused to let him in. He wanted to make a radio transmission and I was allowing him to do so in our apartment. So he started setting up his wires and that ruffled my parent's feathers, so to speak (laughs). I noticed that cooperating with the allies was very difficult for me.

I knew they wanted something completely different. He was the enemy, they didn't just want to "liberate" us, they wanted to subjugate the country, or not?

The connection to the allies was a necessary contact. There was no way around it, but it was terrible for me. And I think I would have refused to open the channels for the Soviets in Vienna....since they were the same as us. I have nothing against the Russians but everything against the Soviets. I mean Stalin is the other face of this kind of dictatorship, or?

Then in the last days, we gained control of Innsbruck thanks to Gruber's incredible insolence. Therefore, we were able to hand over the city to the Allies as the "Herren von Innsbruck" (Men of Innsbruck).

The Americans that came were the wrong ones. The ones who were prepared for Innsbruck were the ones advancing from the south, but they were late. The units who marched into Germany came from the north, from Baden-Württemberg and didn't even understand what Austria was. They immediately clamped down on us, the resistance. We wanted to prevent plundering, but they just froze our organisation initially ... The sorry deal was done. I went home crying the night the Americans marched in because I felt the unbelievable contradiction of having to go against my country in order to do something for my country.

Indeed, it was incredible torture for me. It wasn't about Austria for me. I mean, I like being Austrian and it isn't a problem for me, but it was about Germany for me! That's why I turned away from politics more and more and pursued my studies. That defined my later life.

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Copyright © 2001 by Ruth Deutschmann, Vienna

Ruth Deutschmann

Vienna, 31 July 2001